Thursday, December 01, 2005
So Many Questions, Have I
Why is it December in NYC, yet today is the first day I’ve actually had to wear a jacket? It’s usually freezing here from November to May. Global Warming, I heart you.
Although it was critically acclaimed, why was The Cinderella Man re-released into the theaters? As far as I knew, no one wanted to see the movie the first time. And considering that Russell Crowe is a tremendous douchebag, you couldn’t pay me to watch it until it comes out on TNT as a Network Premiere.
What the F is going to happen when the numbers on Lost aren’t entered correctly into the computer within the 108 minute time period? I’m scared. And also excited. And also hungry.
Why are so many people upset with the job President Bush is doing in office NOW? What the hell is different from last November when ya’ll had a chance to boot his retarded ass? I mean, seriously. And I don’t even like the word “retarded”, but I honestly can’t think of any better way to describe this pompous moron.
How did Ashley Simpson reach #1 on Billboard’s top 100? I demand to know how. You (the buyer of said CD) can’t possibly ENJOY her “music”. I mean, you just can’t. Please. You. Just. Can’t.
Considering that there was no pre-nup, is it fair that Nick Lachey will get half of everything Jessica Simpson earned last year? Personally, I don’t care about the morals involved. I just hope that I get what I’m deserved in the settlement: both of them to go to sleep forever. Sleep tight sweet idiots.
To cap off the Simpson family in general, is there anyone left on the planet who DOESN’T believe that Joe Simpson is the creepiest, most incestual, father on the planet? mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmbarf.
Is Madonna really “Hung Up”? Cuz I zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
Is The Family Guy really that hilarious? I’ve been a Simpsons fan for about a kajillion years now and suddenly, all of the die hards are switching over to the Guy. I caught parts of the episode on Sunday and my Lord, how much I laughed! (however, The Simpsons reign supreme in the ratings and also in my love, forever.)
Why did it take me 3 years to realize that less is more when it comes to using pomeade? I used to be so spriggy and now I’m totally full head of hair and gorge. What a nice change.
How embarrassed am I that CSI has been the top rated show for years now and I’ve never seen a full episode? Yet, I’ve seen every season of America’s Next Top Model. WHAT. It’s GOOD.
How old will I be when gays are finally allowed to get married? Coincidentally, how old will I be when my father stops saying things like “I’m pretty sure that homosexuals are the most hated group in America. Don’t get your hopes up.”
Why is it that my dad says shit like that, but is super supportive otherwise? Why do ANY straight people give a shit whether I can get married or not? I’m calling it boredom and lack of hobbies.
How come my therapist can pull tears out of me within 30 seconds of walking through her door, yet sometimes I find it impossible to cry in front of people I’ve known for 10 years?
Where the hell did this year go and why am I not a superstar by now? Hmmm.
When is the last baby tooth in my mouth finally going to curl up and die and fall out of my mouth?
When am I finally going to give up pizza for cauliflower? Cuz…why can’t I be happy being 450#?
Is your man on the floor? If ain’t, let me know.
Why do I keep having dreams that I’m being busted for possession of marijuana? Is this a sign of some sort? A foreshadowing perhaps?
What do you do when you see someone that you’ve had a falling out with on Match.com? Do you laugh and move on? That’s what I did! And boy, what a laugh we all had.
How hard is it to be an atheist? To have nothing to look forward to? Poor little fellas.
Why am I obsessed with guys who have huge biceps? Why is it that they can look like sloth from Goonies, but if they’ve got a nice and large peak on their arm, I’m smitten?
Why is it time for me to take my nap? Cuz, why am I a 73 year old man living in the body of a charming 28 year old?
Why is it December in NYC, yet today is the first day I’ve actually had to wear a jacket? It’s usually freezing here from November to May. Global Warming, I heart you.
Although it was critically acclaimed, why was The Cinderella Man re-released into the theaters? As far as I knew, no one wanted to see the movie the first time. And considering that Russell Crowe is a tremendous douchebag, you couldn’t pay me to watch it until it comes out on TNT as a Network Premiere.
What the F is going to happen when the numbers on Lost aren’t entered correctly into the computer within the 108 minute time period? I’m scared. And also excited. And also hungry.
Why are so many people upset with the job President Bush is doing in office NOW? What the hell is different from last November when ya’ll had a chance to boot his retarded ass? I mean, seriously. And I don’t even like the word “retarded”, but I honestly can’t think of any better way to describe this pompous moron.
How did Ashley Simpson reach #1 on Billboard’s top 100? I demand to know how. You (the buyer of said CD) can’t possibly ENJOY her “music”. I mean, you just can’t. Please. You. Just. Can’t.
Considering that there was no pre-nup, is it fair that Nick Lachey will get half of everything Jessica Simpson earned last year? Personally, I don’t care about the morals involved. I just hope that I get what I’m deserved in the settlement: both of them to go to sleep forever. Sleep tight sweet idiots.
To cap off the Simpson family in general, is there anyone left on the planet who DOESN’T believe that Joe Simpson is the creepiest, most incestual, father on the planet? mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmbarf.
Is Madonna really “Hung Up”? Cuz I zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
Is The Family Guy really that hilarious? I’ve been a Simpsons fan for about a kajillion years now and suddenly, all of the die hards are switching over to the Guy. I caught parts of the episode on Sunday and my Lord, how much I laughed! (however, The Simpsons reign supreme in the ratings and also in my love, forever.)
Why did it take me 3 years to realize that less is more when it comes to using pomeade? I used to be so spriggy and now I’m totally full head of hair and gorge. What a nice change.
How embarrassed am I that CSI has been the top rated show for years now and I’ve never seen a full episode? Yet, I’ve seen every season of America’s Next Top Model. WHAT. It’s GOOD.
How old will I be when gays are finally allowed to get married? Coincidentally, how old will I be when my father stops saying things like “I’m pretty sure that homosexuals are the most hated group in America. Don’t get your hopes up.”
Why is it that my dad says shit like that, but is super supportive otherwise? Why do ANY straight people give a shit whether I can get married or not? I’m calling it boredom and lack of hobbies.
How come my therapist can pull tears out of me within 30 seconds of walking through her door, yet sometimes I find it impossible to cry in front of people I’ve known for 10 years?
Where the hell did this year go and why am I not a superstar by now? Hmmm.
When is the last baby tooth in my mouth finally going to curl up and die and fall out of my mouth?
When am I finally going to give up pizza for cauliflower? Cuz…why can’t I be happy being 450#?
Is your man on the floor? If ain’t, let me know.
Why do I keep having dreams that I’m being busted for possession of marijuana? Is this a sign of some sort? A foreshadowing perhaps?
What do you do when you see someone that you’ve had a falling out with on Match.com? Do you laugh and move on? That’s what I did! And boy, what a laugh we all had.
How hard is it to be an atheist? To have nothing to look forward to? Poor little fellas.
Why am I obsessed with guys who have huge biceps? Why is it that they can look like sloth from Goonies, but if they’ve got a nice and large peak on their arm, I’m smitten?
Why is it time for me to take my nap? Cuz, why am I a 73 year old man living in the body of a charming 28 year old?
